For many women having had an abortion, however long ago it was, is something they felt they weren't able to share. It's a secret sorrow. There are many internal and external obstacles to working through this secret sorrow in order to move on and grieve it.
Internal obstacles
Often times an abortion is the
hardest thing a woman has ever had to go through in her life. And because of
that the feelings are sometimes too hard to bear. They become suppressed. But
out of sight is not out of mind. A woman may also tell herself that she wanted
the abortion so there's no point crying over split milk. And because she made
the decision, it was her choice, why cry over it. Or she may decide that she
can't move forward because she made the decision so she has to suffer. For how
ever many years it takes. That she has no right to feel ok. But that can then
become a way of life.
Denial can be a very strong factor
for a lot of women. Staying in denial for years, not knowing that there is a
process to go through in terms of healing the grief. But the feelings may be
too hard to face in order to come out of denial. Some women punish themselves
somehow making up the other side of karma themselves, as if they need to be
punished so if they do it themselves then perhaps "God" wont punish
them in other ways.
External Obstacles
Grief shared makes it easier to
bear. When other acknowledge our grief it validates our feelings, this is why
we have funerals. We don't feel alone. But most people think an abortion is a
relief, not something to be grieved, and because it's a woman's choice then
it's seen as an event that happened and it's over. End of story. Or if it's
shared with family and friends who aren't anti-abortion, then they are told
that it wasn't a baby, just cells, that they made the only choice they could
make under the circumstances, all of which don't seem to even touch on the
grief that's felt.
There is no social norm around
abortion as there is around death. There are no special cards or flowers. There
is no ceremony. As a society we still can't decide if Abortion is murder or if
it's just the extraction of a few cells. But for women who have had an abortion
it in no way give permission or lifts the lid to deal with the underlying
grief.
