a letter to Screwtape from my teenage self

Long, long ago, in the last century {!}, I went to a very small Christian high school and was incredibly fortunate to have one of the best English teachers (on the planet). Looking back on those days, it was such a blessing to have a good teacher who not only believed in Jesus, but pressed us to know Him more by making us read authors like C.S. Lewis before we went out into the world. And, of course, it was also a huge blessing to have parents who sacrificed so much to allow me to be there in the first place. {Thank you mom and dad!}.

As I was sorting through old boxes from the attic this afternoon, I found an interesting entry in my senior English journal- a class assignment in response to reading Screwtape Letters. I had completely forgotten about this letter to Satan's famous {fictitious} henchman, but I am so glad I saved it all these years. I found it quite entertaining to read this from my 17-year-old self! :) And surprisingly {or maybe not?}, 14 years later I find myself still battling with many of the same struggles I did as a teenager.


Dear Screwtape,

I am writing my one and only letter to express my displeasure in your former actions. I have become a first hand witness of your dastardly wiles.

As you encouraged discord between my parents, I became confused and upset. I even wondered if God was still there. And I errantly fell into your plan. You wished me to do exactly what others have previously done, to fall away from God. But that is where you failed, Screwtape. I remained in contact with your Enemy and my Savior, Jesus Christ. And that gave me the advantage. I overcame the doubt and anger and trusted in the infallible will of God.

I grew older, and as hormones attacked, you also attacked. I liked to throw my contumacious fits. You loved it when I slammed doors because my will was not immediately appeased. But toward the latter part of my teenage years, I realized through the convicting power of the Holy Spirit that a rebellious attitude does not please the Father. Only a sweet, humble spirit will be accepted by Him.

Then you found another area of my life in which to parade your antics. And I easily complied to your whispered defenses in listening to unglorifying music. It was probably your easiest battle to win. To this day I struggle with wrong music.

When I began to read my Bible and pray with an open heart, you hurriedly intercepted the petitions with thoughts of the next day's work. And you were not easily deterred. I had to pray to the Lord that He remove your presence. And as He has promised as I resisted you, you were forced to flee.

I wanted to reiterate in this letter, Screwtape, that although you have power (in this life on earth) to affect me, your power is limited by the Father and the shed blood of Christ Jesus. Eventually you will be in a worse condition than I. An eternal position and place in the fiery flames awaits you. I am truly sorry about your future situation, and I rejoice that I will not be there beside you.

But I forgive you, Screwtape. The wiles and temptations you created in my life were used to increase my faith in the Almighty, Omnipotent God.

Your patient,
Mandy



Do you ever find yourself struggling with the same things you did decades before?

Have you seen progress in your Christian walk with the Lord? How would you rate it now? Are you living for Him daily?

why it's so good to grow older + my heart's desire for 31

the hubs made me rice krispie treats for my "21st" birthday ;)

So I turned 31 yesterday.

I sometimes can't believe life is going by so quickly- though 30 was one year that stretched into eternity thanks to being pregnant 42 out of 52 weeks of the year. ;) 

I woke up yesterday morning expecting the sadness of being even older to hit {turning 30 was harder than I thought it would be!}, but strangely enough I was actually really grateful to be able to have lived another year. 31 years is a very long time, and I've been so blessed to be able to experience so many things in three decades. :)

Life is something we don't deserve. The fact that we get to be alive, to know the mercy of God and enjoy His creation for any length of time is a gift, you know what I mean?

The last few birthdays I've woken up with a prayer on my heart for the next year of my life. Last year was that I would grow in maturity in Christ, and this year, I feel God has placed it on my heart to pray for boldness. For fearlessness in Jesus.

I honestly care way too much about what man thinks of me. I care too much about how I look to others, and I care too much about how I am perceived. I'm a people pleaser and approval seeker. And not in the good way you try to share in a job interview. It's not good at all.

It's vanity.

Man's opinion means nothing in eternity, and yet I can be so worried and tense over what other people say and do, especially when it pertains to me. Ugh. It's so vain.

Pride and vanity are easily some of my biggest struggles and sins. It's a constant battle, and one I don't like to even admit.

I think that's why I'm kind of {in a weird way} happy about growing older- it seems like the older- the more wrinkled I get- the more children I have, the more gray hairs I find, the more mistakes I make, the more things are out of my control, the more imperfect I realize I am all the time- the more I need Jesus and the less I care about silly temporary things like how I look or what people think about me. And losing that vanity means I get to be closer to Jesus which makes growing old so worth it.

Wasn't 17 like yesterday? My goodness.
{pic that's been in the Rob's wallet for nearly 14 years}

At the rate life goes, it won't even be long until I meet my Savior. For real. My first baby is turning 10 on Sunday. I graduated from college 10 years ago. College. Crazy. 

This year I want to grow up more in Jesus and stop caring so much about myself- I want to care more about what Jesus wants for me than what anyone else thinks or says about me. I want to gracefully and with wisdom be able to speak and live boldly and without fear of the reproach of man when it comes to the truth of God's Word. Because only the Son of Man's opinion really matters in the end.

I love Jesus so much. I fail Him so often in my words and thoughts, but I'm so thankful the Holy Spirit keeps changing me. I know I am hypocritical all the time because I can't do what I know I'm supposed to do, but I know God is greater than my weakness! {and at least I'm not alone in that- Paul is ahead of me!}

1992

I honestly look forward to the day when I see my Lord. It's sometimes scary to think of this life ending because I know all of the things I didn't do right, you know? But it is so freeing, so wonderful to know that God has already forgiven me things past, present, and future through the blood of Jesus! {thank you, Matt Chandler, for reminding me of that this Sunday...} 

I am fully relying on His grace to see this race to completion, so that I may stand before Him fully complete and redeemed and made new.

Every wrinkle I earn, every new morning I wake up a little older- means I'm one day closer to seeing my Savior. Aging means I get to {hopefully} care less and less about the things of this world and myself, and become more like Him. And that is truly exciting.

Like C.S. Lewis said, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." 

Turning 31 just means I'm that much closer to the finish line. :)

source: pinterest

forgiveness: why you can't fake it 'til you make it

I noticed something in my quiet time this morning- I randomly read a parable in my one-year Bible that I've seen a hundred times in my life, but it was fresh this morning like I'd never seen it before. God spoke right to my heart with His Word. {Isn't it crazy when that happens??}

Here's the story:  

The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant {Matthew 18:21-35} 

²¹ Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” ²² Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.

²³ “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants.^[a] 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents.^[b] 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. ²⁶ So the servant^[c] fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ ²⁷ And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. ²⁸ But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii,^[d] and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ ²⁹ So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ ³⁰ He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. ³¹ When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. ³² Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. ³³ And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ ³⁴ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers,^[e] until he should pay all his debt. ³⁵ So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

I know this story- but the moral of it in my mind was do unto others as you have been done unto. Return the forgiveness you've been given. It makes sense. We have been freely forgiven from the major sins we've committed, so we have no right to withhold forgiveness from others.

But how many times have I forgiven FROM MY HEART like it says in verse 35? 

How many times have I replayed the offense in my mind, even after things had been resolved?

Surface forgiveness- the "do" part- going on with the relationship and not talking about it- comes far more easily for me. I can play that part and do what's "right" in my mind. But heart forgiveness- how often is it really going that deep?

How many times do I withhold true heart forgiveness until I see repentance? 

How many times do I hold a grievance in my heart- even though I have no right to, because I've been forgiven by the God of all? How long have I held on to it? For months? For years?

Ouch.

That's not true forgiveness. 

And only my God sees that.

While I can put on a great outward show of moving forward and forgetting about it, God knows when I truly forgive. 

He freely gave His forgiveness, so that we could freely give ours. 

His mercy is new every morning toward us. Our mercy toward others can only be found in Him. You see, because of what Jesus did, we have received the power to forgive like He does.

The crazy thing is that we could never be strong enough to do it on our own. 

I might be able to force my actions to change, but my heart won't do it on command. Only the power of what Jesus did on the cross- defeating my sin, saving me, and giving me His Spirit- gives me the ability to truly forgive from my heart.

Withholding heart forgiveness might hurt our earthly relationships- but more importantly, it affects our relationship with God.

And oddly enough, forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with the person who offended us. It's between us and God. 

What secret hurts are you holding on to? What heart forgiveness have you not given today? 

Ask Him, and He will show you. Then ask Him to forgive you, and give you the power to truly forgive like He does. It's such an incredible mercy He gives us. 

And the best news? His mercy never ends. He won't tire of you, sweet friend. His steadfast love endures forever. He wants us to love Him with all of our hearts, and leave behind all that sin- anger, hate, or bitterness.

Cleanse our hearts, Jesus. Purify our souls, God. Oh, we love you, and want to be made like you- whiter than snow.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. 

9 Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. 

10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

Psalm 51:7-10

january focus: declutter and detox {do, read, learn, and be goals}

After the long holiday season, I'm really feeling the results of excess. Do you know what I mean? :) All kinds of new items have entered our household {4 kids + 2 adults + 3 Christmas celebrations = tons of new stuff}, and then all the sugary, fattening foods I've eaten in the last month and a half have left me feeling rather sluggish and icky too. I'm ready for a clean start in the new year! Are you too?

That's why I'm a bit excited about my January goals. I'm following the pattern of last year's goals and breaking them down into do, read, learn, and be, but focusing them on a theme or two. Or that's what I'm aiming for anyway. We'll see how the year pans out. ;)

For this month, my four categories are guided by these two main goals: declutter and detox. 

do:

a home declutter:

1. 40 bags- I'm challenging myself to find 40 bags of excess to purge from our house. I know it's there- in 15 minutes yesterday, I had a 13 gallon trash bag full! It might take more than a month, but that's okay. Any progress is good! {There are also tons of great decluttering ideas over here!} I'll try to keep you posted!

2. Take down 10 picture frames that aren't hanging on the wall. {I'm attempting to tame the visual clutter around the house.}

3. Rearrange living room and sewing room furniture to better use our spaces. 

4. Take down Christmas decorations. {It's only January 4, right? ;)}

5. Donate extra bedding we no longer need.

a physical detox:

1. Eat real foods- avoiding all processed foods if possible. I've been doing this for the last week, and it's not been fun so far. But I feel better already!

2. Exercise at least 8 hours per week. {I'm using this free fitness log! hey!}

3. Drink at least 64 ounces of water each day.

a spiritual detox:

1. Journal 1-2x per week in quiet time using Evernote. {I will easily type it out but I know I'll never do it if I'm supposed to hand write it. Typing is so much faster. ha!}

2. Wake up before kids and read alone in quiet at least 5 days per week {this has been so hard to do this winter}. Check off each day completed in my calendar for motivation.

read:

Soul Detox: Clean Living in a Contaminated World by Craig Groeschel*

a book about the effects of culture on the Christian soul...

"We will never discover lasting happiness, significance and security in the temporary things of this world because we weren't made to live a temporary life."

"When we truly change what we believe, we'll gladly change how we behave."

learn:

Psalm 51:7-13 7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. 9 Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a rightb spirit within me. 11 Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. 13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.

be:
I'm praying God will work on this character quality in me this month and through the year: repentance.

side note: so I looked it up in my Mac's dictionary and couldn't believe my eyes! The Gospel is even in my Macbook! Ahhhh!! :D Check this out:

repentance |riˈpentns|nounthe action of repenting; sincere regret or remorse: each person who turns to God in genuine repentance and faith will be saved.

I guess you could summarize my goals for January into this:
I want to go into 2013 with a clean heart, and a renewed mind, so that I can continue to grow in Christ. {Lord, may it be so!}
What is your focus for January? Are you decluttering and detoxing too? :D

on time and selfishness

I've found that Monday mornings start either really well, or really poorly. Is that the case at your house too?

This morning started really well. :D

The kids were asleep, and I had some great {quiet} study time. I even had plans for the morning- I was going to head out to the coffee shop to work on several projects and articles.

But it didn't work out that way. Because God is in charge. :)

You see, I've been praying all month about my character goal, generosity.

My goal this month was to give away something I love to someone who needs it.

And every single time I ask God to teach me something, He does.

No joke.

I have two or three specific things that God has laid on my heart to give away this month, which is exciting! I'm trying to listen and obey the Holy Spirit when it happens. The good news: it has happened, and is still happening! Thank you, Jesus!

The bad news: in the past 20 days, I've seen that I'm extremely selfish. And I'm particularly scrooge-ish when it comes to time.

This morning really brought that ugly fact to light even more.

I had these plans, and things had come up three days in a row that kept me from doing them. And this morning, it was one more thing. No coffee shop for me. I was needed at home.

In less than 30 seconds my to-do list became overwhelming, the anger and tears came, and with them, my joy went straight out the window. I slammed the door and cried on my bed. 

Yep. I'm 15 again. 

It was supposed to be "my" time...I was going to get stuff done...

Ah, the ugliness comes out so very fast. Grrr. 

My husband needed my time, and I wasn't willing to give it to him. I knew I {and he} had no choice, but out came the frustration and tears toward the man I love. The man who swept me off my feet just last weekend.

Oh Lord, when will I learn?

How many times will it happen? When will I get over myself?

I hate it.

The Pharisee gave out of his abundance, but the widow gave out of poverty.

Is it much of a sacrifice to give when I have plenty? 

Or is it a sacrifice to give when I need the thing I'm giving away?

I needed my time, and I wasn't willing to give it. 

Oh, Jesus, please forgive me. I hate seeing this sin. It's awful. How does it come out so easily?

Teach me generosity. Teach me to give when it hurts. Teach me to die to myself and my own desires.

Father, please teach me to sacrifice the thing I keep valuing the most: my time.

I want to give all of my life to you. Even when it means my silly little plans change. Thank you Lord for your mercy- thank you that you saved me while I was still a sinner, and that you won't let me go- that you keep giving me grace and mercy even when I screw up. You are SO good to me, Father.

the mercy project

Source: deepbreath-bigsmile.tumblr.com via Mandy on Pinterest

It’s been so strange to walk through 3 of my 12 character projects this year. I’m shocked at how they always change me in ways I never expected. God had a plan for this list and I never saw it coming back in January.

The first month was the gentleness project- I never realized until this month just how sharply I spoke to my little ones. The second month tore me completely apart and had me on my knees. It was the complaining experiment.

Last month I worked on the sweetness experiment. And it was a perfect way to walk through finding joy in motherhood again. I’m starting to think God meant it to be a recovery before April.

This month’s project is mercy.

This is going to be hard. {again}

What is mercy?

Generally, it’s not getting what we deserve.

And the {world’s} definition says even more:

1. compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power; compassion, pity, or benevolence:

2. the disposition to be compassionate or forbearing:

3. the discretionary power of a judge to pardon someone or to mitigate punishment, especially to send to prison rather than invoke the death penalty.

4. an act of kindness, compassion, or favor:

5. something that gives evidence of divine favor; blessing: 

source

Followers of Jesus are commanded to be merciful. Jesus said in Luke 6:36: “Be merciful,  just as your Father is merciful.”

How exactly was our Father merciful to us?

Psalm 103:8-13

The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.

And how did he remove our sins? He sacrificed His son and raised Him up so that we might have life!

Ephesians 2: 4-7 tells us:

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved) and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

Does that kill you?

Oh, it does me. I can’t even go on past that today.

My heart aches and the tears won’t stop because I don’t deserve that mercy. I am a horrible, wretched sinner. My heart is ugly and my tongue won’t shut up and I’m angry and awful.

But He saved me. He died on the cross for my sins.

He suffered so that I could be free from sin and death.

He rescued me.

He redeemed me.

He is MERCY. And I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve Him.

Oh, thank you Lord Jesus. You are the only one who can saved awful sinners, and we are so unworthy of your love.

My heart cries out for mercy. And You bring it.

For now, all I can do is worship.