Monday, September 10, 2012

the changing of seasons {and letting go of the future}

The weather changed here this weekend... in just a few hours, the air cooled and my heart might've  skipped a beat or two. :)

I love, love, love fall. I still get excited about the leaves falling, curling up on the couch with my coffee in the cool of the morning, the pumpkins, boot season {!}, and my birthday in October. In just five weeks, I'll turn 30. I was sad about it pretty much for the first 10 months of being 29, and now I'm excited again, because it represents this new season of my life. :)

my comfy morning devo spot, mess and all :D
We are going through lots of changes here, actually, and I think it's going to be really good.

I'm in this very weird place where I feel like my heart has stopped planning ahead like it used to.

Not very long ago, I was full of big ideas and goals of where I'd like to be next year or what I'd like to do or become in the next six months, and while I think those things are good, it feels like God is training my heart to wait for Him, because I have no idea what is next, and I don't even want to think about it any more.

I feel like life comes day by day, and month by month, and I don't want to plan what's next because I know what God has for me probably isn't what I had in mind. And strangely enough, I'm so happy about it.

We've had some doors open that allowed our kiddos to go back to their little school three days a week this year, and that is a huge blessing for us. It was totally unexpected, but it came at the perfect time. We're  now homeschooling on Mondays and Fridays, so it changes our daily schedule quite a bit during the week.

I think God revealed something about me through that situation- it was such a hard decision for me {not for my husband, though! lol! I'm so thankful for his leadership.}.

While I was praying about it, He showed me how I like to create a rules for myself that I define as "what God wants." Last year, without a doubt, was the year to homeschool full-time. 

But as these doors opened this year and my husband encouraged me that it was good for our family, I felt so worried that I wasn't doing what I was "supposed" to do. And as I was praying about it like crazy, God kind of whispered in my heart that I was making up my own rules of how to obey God, instead of listening to Him. Ick. I was setting the standard for what was "right."

The older I get, the more I realize that there is not just one way to do this life that is right before God {outside of Biblical mandates}. What is right for one person might not be the best thing for another person. What is right for us one year may not be right for this year. 

And that's okay, because we know the God who controls all of it. Every single bit of it. He gave us the Holy Spirit to guide us each day, and because of Him, we won't look the same as we used to, or the same as anyone else for that matter. {And we shouldn't all look the same, according to this sermon: Spirit Led Community}

I am the clay. I am not the potter. I don't get to decide what I look like. My design would never look like His masterpiece even if I did get to decide. 

I want what God's will for me- for my children, for my husband. So badly. So much it hurts. He's taken my heart to places I never imagined, and I know, I KNOW it only gets better the longer I walk with Him. I don't know how to explain the fact that I love someone so deeply whom I have never seen before. I've never touched Him, but I know He is there, leading me and walking me through this thing called life. I feel His presence. I hear His whispers in my heart.

I don't know what this life will look like anymore. I might die tomorrow. Really, I might. {okay, it would be creepy if I did die tomorrow, now wouldn't it...? ;)}

But I trust Him. I sometimes fear bad things happening when I let go and trust Him with all my heart, because I know He will take me through the fire at some point. And I'm scared of the fire, to be honest. But I pray over and over that God will give me the strength to make it through when it comes, and that I will be able to cling to Him instead of turn away. 

The moment I leave this earth, I don't want anything to be left in doubt. Every day, I want to give my heart to Him, and cast down my idols, and put away this horrid sin that keeps plaguing me in this body. He is doing some crazy tearing down of my idols right now, and I have to give Him all of the credit, because I've been holding on to them for many years.
So when I look at my life right now, I can't look much past today. My plans are nothing compared to His, and I can't imagine what or when it might happen. I just know that He is there, and He won't leave me. He promised me that.

I don't know what will happen, but I'm excited about the fall- I'm excited about the changes that are coming {if God wants them to!}. I'm excited about the work He is doing in my heart, because He knows what is best for me. Every season I know He is there, and it makes my heart leap with joy to know that I will never be alone, no matter what happens. 

I can't wait to see what God will do in my 30's, but in the meantime, I'm enjoying every last moment of 29. 

Isn't it exciting to know the one true, and living God? He is more glorious than words can describe. Thank you, sweet Jesus, for the changing of the seasons.

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